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When Family Members Are Reacting Differently To The Loss Of Your
By Susan Dunn, MA Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach, Fri Dec 9th
The loss of a family companion animal is difficult, and my heartgoes out to you. We come to love our animals and feel a deepsense of loss when they die. Some people tell me they’ve feltmore over the loss of their dog than of any human being intheir life. It’s not always recognized by others, but thosewould only be people who have not lost an animal companion theyloved. Or I should say, who loved them. They give us theunconditional love that helps us thrive. When we find out our pet is going to die, we each reactdifferently. Each of us experiences in a different way.Maybe your partner is angry, and you are tearful, and you areboth dealing with the impending death of your animal companionin your own way. The stages begin with denial (shock) and thenmove on to rage, I believe, but it's a spiral, or an onion, notlinear. It comes in waves and doubles back and differentfeelings are layered in there. It is normal to not “hear” that your pet is going to die andit’s normal to be enraged that nobody cares, nothing can bedone, and it can’t be fixed. And also to be angry that you andthe animal are suffering so. Some individuals are more prone toturning tender feelings into anger, and sometimes we just don’twant to talk about it.
In fact, and this is particularly poignant, one of the reasonswe love our animals so much is because when we're upset they'ddon't ask us why. They just stick around and love us, same asalways. Remember the general family EQ guidance that all feelings arewelcome here, though all actions are not. Your partner is anadult and is in charge of his or
her own wellbeing, as you areof yours. As with any adult, you can accept and acknowledge thefeelings, and can make it known you’re available to talk with.If there are any behaviors from this anger that are destructivein any way, then seek help. You can also use, “When you say X, Ifeel Y. Please do Z.” Any two adults will generally grieve in a different way.They’ll be at different stages in the process, havedifferent backgrounds, different histories of previous loss,have different personalities, and also can reverberate off theother, i.e., if he’s crying all the time, then she becomesstoic. If she’s angry, he tries to remain calm. Stay centered and manage your own process. Take care ofyourself. Massage is good at such a time, as such isbeyond words. If this is one of your children’s first major loss, it’s goingto be a tremendous growth process for them, as you know. Bethere. Don’t demand they feel one way or another. Don’t try and“fix” them. Process when you can with them as a means of sharingthe adversities of life. Adversity builds resilience, anddifficult as it is, they’re part of life. Seek comfort and help for yourself – friends, a minister, acoach, a therapist. Take care of yourself and model this foryour children. You can’t share the whole experience with thembecause they aren’t having the same experience as you becausethey are they, and you are you. I’m sorry for your loss. About the author:Susan Dunn,MA Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach,http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching for all your needs. Coachingand distance learning in Emotional Intelligence. EQ matters moreto your success and happiness than IQ and it can be learned.Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZine.
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