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Divorce--when "forever" Is Just Too Long
By Larry Denton, Sat Dec 10th
Are you unhappy with your spouse and your marriage? Are youseriously thinking about divorce? No matter how you deal withit, divorce is a messy process. When two people, who have takena vow to stay together forever, decide that forever is much toolong, hurt feelings, resentment and bitterness are to beexpected. The first step is to remember that you are not thefirst couple to have marital problems--even Adam and Eve hadsome severe set backs. According to U. S. government statistics, one out of every twomarriages will end in divorce or annulment. Many problems canlead to the decision to divorce. Personal selfishness, adultery,disrespect of a spouse, inattentiveness in the relationship,being argumentative, dishonesty, money issues, or difficultiesin raising the children-- all can be the catalyst which sparks adesire for separation. It is possible that the seeds of divorce are sown even before acouple says "I do." Research shows that certain relationshipskills, or lack of them, can help predict whether people areheaded for happiness or a difficult dissolution. Research byMari L. Clements, an assistant professor of clinical psychologyat the Fuller Theological Institute in Pasadena, CA shows that"The ones who stayed happily married were likely to handleconflict constructively. Even in the midst of a difficult issuein their relationship, they were likely to treat each other withrespect."
Grounds for divorce vary from couple to couple and from state tostate. Marriage, realistically, is as much a legal contract asit is a personal relationship. Most states now offer some formof uncontested (no-fault) divorces which are popular becausethey are easy and inexpensive. There is no single reason fordivorce. Sometimes, couples simply grow apart. No matter what the cause of divorce, the key to a successfuldivorce is communication. This means removing your emotions.Many times, couples facing divorce allow their emotions ratherthan logic to dictate their discussions and their decisions.Think of divorce as a lesson in patience and endurance. Thebiggest divorce settlement tip--focus on the long-term outcome,not the small-time details.
"Who gets Grandma's tea service?",is not nearly as important as "how do we raise our children?" Most people looking for a divorce attorney are in a state ofshock. They are in similar to what is felt with the deathof a loved one; it is a death of sorts, the death of a marriage.Choosing the right lawyer can be a daunting task, but this onedecision can determine the outcome of your divorce and, indeed,your future life. An uncontested, or no-fault divorce, can bedealt with quickly and cheaply if both partners agree toseparate amicably. Unfortunately, this is seldom the case. Many specifics of a divorce settlement are likely to get ugly.Child custody, visitation rights, property ownership, alimony,child support payments, attorney costs--all of these are goingto be difficult roadblocks. Divorce is not easy for anyone. Whenyou lose a limb, even when it is numb from nerve damage, it isstill a difficult loss. The dissolution of a marriage can often leave people in a stateof confusion and despair. Often, people tend to make irrationaland impartial decisions whether it be entering into a newrelationship too soon, having a continual series of "one-night"stands, or making large financial purchases--like a new sportscar or palatial home. Try to avoid alcohol and illegal drugs.Being in such an emotionally vulnerable state, it can be easy tofall victim to addictive behaviors. Make a conscious effort to look forward, not backward. Do not bejudgmental or angry at your ex-spouse or yourself. A divorce isnot a sign of weakness or failure. It is the end of arelationship that simply did not work out. Let time heal thewounds as you begin to create a new life for yourself. None ofthe suggestions offered here will relieve your pain immediately,but they can help. Remember, tips only work if they are used. About the author:Larry Denton is a retired history teacher having taught 33 yearsat Hobson High in Hobson, Montana. He is currently VicePresident of Elfin Enterprises, Inc., an Internet businessdedicated to providing valuable information and resources on avariety of topics. For a court room full of additionalinformation to guide you through this grueling and painfulprocess please visit http://www.DivorceDeal.com
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