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Five Habits Of Highly Effective Conflict Resolvers
By Dina Beach Lynch, Esq., Sat Dec 10th
FIVE HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE CONFLICT RESOLVERS By DinaBeach Lynch, Esq. Steven Covey had the right idea. There are discreet skills andattitudes, habits if you will, that can elevate your conflictpractice to a new level. This article shares a selection ofhabits and attitudes that can transform a good conflict resolverinto a highly effective one. By that I mean someone whofacilitates productive, meaningful discussion between othersthat results in deeper self-awareness, mutual understanding andworkable solutions. I have used the term ‘conflict resolver’ intentionally toreinforce the idea that human resource professionals andmanagers are instrumental in ending disputes, regardless ofwhether they are also mediators. These conflict managementtechniques are life skills that are useful in whatever settingyou find yourself. With these skills, you can createenvironments that are respectful, collaborative and conducive toproblem-solving. And, you’ll teach your employees to beproactive, by modeling successful conflict management behaviors..
1.UNDERSTAND THE EMPLOYEE’S NEEDS Since you’re the ‘go to person’ in your organization, it’snatural for you to jump right in to handle conflict. When anemployee visits you to discuss a personality conflict, youassess a situation, determine the next steps and proceed untilthe problem is solved. But is that helpful? When you take charge, the employee is relieved of his or herresponsibility to find a solution. That leaves you to do thework around finding alternatives. And while you want to dowhat’s best for this person (and the organization), it’simportant to ask what the employee wants first-- whether it’s tovent, brainstorm solutions or get some coaching. Understand whatthe person entering your door wants by asking questions: •How can I be most helpful to you? •What are you hoping I willdo? •What do you see my role as in this matter? 2.ENGAGE IN COLLABORATIVE LISTENING By now everyone has taken at least one active listening courseso I won’t address the basic skills. Collaborative Listeningtakes those attending and discerning skills one step further. Itrecognizes that in listening each person has a job that supportsthe work of the other. The speaker’s job is to clearly expresshis or her thoughts, feelings and goals. The listener’s job isfacilitating clarity; understanding and make the employee feelheard. So what’s the difference? The distinction is acknowledgement.Your role is to help the employee gain a deeper understanding ofher own interests and needs; to define concepts and words in away that expresses her values (i.e. respect means somethingdifferent to each one of us); and to make her feelacknowledged—someone sees things from her point of view. Making an acknowledgement is tricky in corporate settings.Understandably, you want to help the employee but are mindful ofthe issues of corporate liability. You can acknowledge theemployee even while safeguarding your company. Simply put, acknowledgement does not mean agreement. It meansletting the employee know that you can see how he got to histruth. It doesn’t mean taking sides with the employee orabandoning your corporate responsibilities. Acknowledgement canbe the bridge across misperceptions. Engage in CollaborativeListening by: •Help the employee to explore and be clear about his interestsand goals •Acknowledge her perspective oI can see how you might see it that way. oThat must bedifficult for you. oI understand that you feel _______ aboutthis. •Ask questions that probe for deeper understanding on both yourparts: oWhen you said x, what did you mean by that? oIf yhappens, what’s significant about that for you? oWhat am Imissing in understanding this from your perspective? 3.BE A GOOD TRANSMITTER Messages transmitted from one person to the next are verypowerful. Sometimes people have to hear it ‘from
the horse’smouth’. Other times, you’ll have to be the transmitter of goodthoughts and feelings. Pick up those ‘gems’, those positivemessages that flow when employees feel safe and heard inmediation, and present them to the other employee. Your progresswill improve. We’re all human. You know how easy it is to hold a grudge, orassign blame. Sharing gems appropriately can help each employeebegin to shift their perceptions of the situation, and moreimportantly, of each other. To deliver polished gems, try to: •Act soon after hearing the gem •Paraphrase accurately so thewords aren’t distorted •Ask the listener if this is newinformation and if changes her stance •Avoid expecting theemployees to visibly demonstrate a ‘shift in stance’ (it happensinternally and on their timetable, not ours) 4.RECOGNIZE POWER Power is a dominant factor in mediation that raises manyquestions: What is it? Who has it? How to do you balance power?Assumptions about who is the ‘powerful one’ are easy to make andsometimes wrong. Skillful conflict resolvers recognize powerdynamics in conflicts and are mindful about how to authenticallymanage them. You can recognize power by being aware that: •Power is fluid and exchangeable •Employees possess power overthe content and their process (think of employees concerns asthe water flowing into and being held by the container)•Resolvers possess power over the mediation process ( theirknowledge, wisdom, experience, and commitment form thecontainer) •Your roles as an HR professional and resolver willhave a significant impact on power dynamics 5.BE OPTIMISTIC & RESILIENT Agreeing to participate in mediation is an act of courage andhope. By participating, employees are conveying their belief invalue of the relationship. They are also expressing their trustin you to be responsive to and supportive of our efforts.Employees may first communicate their anger, frustration,suffering, righteousness, regret, not their best hopes. You caninspire them to continue by being optimistic: •Be positive about your experiences with mediation •Hold theirbest wishes and hopes for the future •Encourage them to worktowards their hopes Be Resilient. Remember the last time you were stuck in aconflict? You probably replayed the conversation in your mindover and over, thinking about different endings and scoldingyourself. Employees get stuck, too. In fact, employees canbecome so worn down and apathetic about their conflict,especially a long-standing dispute; they’d do anything to endit. Yes, even agree with each other prematurely. Don’t let themsettle. Mediation is about each employee getting their interestmet. Be resilient: •Be prepared to move yourself and the employees thoughproductive and less productive cycles of the mediation •Help theemployees see their movement and progress •Be mindful andappreciative of the hard work you all are doing Hopefully, you’ve discovered that these are your own habits inone form or another and that your organization is benefitingfrom your knowledge. You can learn more about workplacemediation and mediation in general from these books and websites: The Power of Mediation Bringing Peace into the Room DifficultConversation: How to Say What Matters Most www.ne-acr.org (TheNew England Association of Conflict Resolvers) www.mediate.com(mediation portal site) www.workwelltogether.com (conflictmanagement toolkit) "Mediation is based on a belief in the fundamental honesty ofhuman beings. Which is another way of saying we all want to betreated justly - that is according to our unique situation andviewpoint on the world. And we cannot expect to be treatedjustly if we do not honestly reveal ourselves." ~ the HonourableNeville Chamberlain, British Prime Minister 1937
About the author:Dina Beach Lynch, Esq. is a mediator and conflict coach wholaunched WorkWellTogether.com Formerly Dina was Ombuds for FleetBank where she assisted 48,000 employees to resolve worktensions. Dina can be reached at Dina@workwelltogether.com
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