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Why Receive Christian Pre-marital Counseling?
By Wilma Melendez, Sat Dec 10th
“Love is long suffering, and is kind; love has no envy, love isnot boastful, love does not behave itself inappropriately, seeksnot its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoicesnot in injustice, but rejoices in the truth; love bears allthings, believes everything, endures everything” (1 Corinthians13:4-7). These beautiful words hold us to a high standard. That is why ithas been said that before marriage one ought to open our eyeswide, but afterwards keep them half closed. In order to hold upthis standard, so necessary for a marriage to work, we need tochoose wisely. To decide if you are ready for marriage, you needto choose someone you can trust, because distrust erodes arelationship, and so does undeserved trust. You also need toknow what your responsibilities to the marriage partner are sothat you can evaluate yourself realistically. These two thingscan be done with the help of pre-marital therapy. Why do you need Christian pre-marital therapy? The quote aboveis from the Bible. The greatest book of love is the Bible. Thebook of Luke is considered by many to be the most beautiful bookever written. The book of Luke, as well as the gospels ofMathew, Mark, and John, tells how Jesus died to save us - thebelievers and now the church- from our sins. “Husbands, loveyour wives, even as Christ also loved the church, giving himselfup for it” (Ephesians 5:25). God is the expert, par excellence,on love.
There is nothing wrong with going to a psychologist, a socialworker, a professional counselor, or a psychiatrist forpre-marital and marital therapy. In fact I would encourage youbecause churches sometimes give only six sessions of pre-maritalcouple therapy, or group pre-marital therapy with nonprofessional married couples as group leaders and this is barelyjust enough. Many couples who have received pre-marital therapysay that it helped them but that they wish they had receivedmore therapy. There is so much need in the church for marital,family, addiction, and other kinds of counseling, that there isnot enough pre-marital therapy. I would recommend supplementingthe church’s pre-marital therapy with other pre-maritalcounseling. However, Christian pre-marital counseling adds a dimension thatsecular therapies do not usually have. For example, theChristian counselor advises couples not to have sex beforemarriage. In his book on dating, Boy Meets Girl, Pastor JoshuaHarris explains how a manager of a hotel for honeymooners wouldrun out of activities for the newly married to do. This wasbecause the now bored couples had pre-marital sex. Whereas,Joshua and his wife, who did not have sex prior to marriage,hardly left their room! In the city where I live there is a saying among thenon-believers. They say that marriage kills sex. But it is notmarriage that kills sex, but pre-marital sex that killsmarriage. I knew of one couple that lived together and had sexeveryday before to marriage. After marriage, the wife confided,they had sex once a month. It is not worth it to ruin twentyfive or more years of marital sex for one year or even less ofpre-marital sex. If you are contemplating marriage and you are living together,you must move apart and stop having sex for a time until you getmarried under the guidance of the pastor or Christian counselor.Physical intimacy is like a battery. It becomes charged with nonsexual activities and gives off energy with sex. Do not skipthat pre-marriage charging time. When thinking about what pre-marital therapy is, people havedifferent points of view. One woman tells how she was lookingforward to marital therapy thirty years ago. “I thought that wewould receive counseling courses about marital responsibility,but the entire time, the courses, which were called ‘maritalcounseling’, were about catechism.” She was disappointed as weremany people in the course. Decades later, now divorced, she expects that marital counselingshould be about what marriage is, what people expect it to be,and what it will really be like. Dr. Wayne Mack makes a pointthat partners differ in expectations and should not wait untilmarriage to discuss these differences. Dr. Nancy Alvarez, secular psychologist
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and sexologist says thatsome men want marriage with weekends off. That means they spendweekends drinking with their male friends as if they weresingle, instead of being with their wife. Obviously, that doesnot work out. Couples should also discuss why they are in lovewith one another. It has been observed that some people becomehappy when they hear why their betrothed wants to marry them,others become angry. It is certainly natural for a marital counselor to talk aboutspiritual intimacy. In the book, "The Five Love Needs of Men andWomen", Christian marital experts Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosbergexplain how there are two kinds of intimacy in marriage,physical and spiritual. Differences in religion could lead to alack of understanding and different values. But not everythingis religion. Counselor Grisel López of El Sendero de la Cruz Christian Churchin Puerto Rico explains that even in the case that the couple isof the same religion, some couples do not have compatibility ofministries. For example, if both are church leaders, and onesings in the altar and the other preaches, they are compatible.But if one is training to be a foreign missionary and the otheris a pastor of a local church, then one of the two will have togive up his or her dreams for the success of the other, becausethey can not make both dreams come true and live togetherhappily at the same time. She adds that even church leaders, who know the Bible ingeneral, still need pre-marital counseling. Some churches do notrequire pre-marital counseling for church leaders because theleaders know Christianity well, yet the rate forChristians is about the same as for non-Christian marriages. According to Dr. Wayne A. Mack, some of the things covered inpre-marital counseling are relations with in-laws, making abudget together, comparing differences in the way each oneexpresses love, good communication (a factor in most maritalproblems), and conflict resolution. It is important to planahead how you will approach problem solving, not waiting for theproblems to begin and then start by seeking marital therapy.This is because there will be problems anyway so reducing theirvolatility will prevent bad memories that are hard to forgetlater. Dr. Mack’s workbook, "Preparing for Marriage God’s Way", can beused both in addition to marital therapy, (or independently, forthose persons who live in areas where there is littleavailability of Christian pre-marital therapy). Two copies ofthe workbook are used. Each member of the couple reads and fillsout the answers individually. Then the couple meet and discustheir answers together. Mack suggests they can make note ofsignificant differences and seek therapy for those issues aswell. Pre-marital counseling can be fun also. You get to takepersonality tests with your betrothed, learning more about eachother in the process. Or it could lead to more deeper andinteresting conversations to talk with your loved one. Somepeople think they already know each other well. But even peoplewho have been married twenty years face surprises. You should also find out some of your betrothed’s faults in theprocess. There may be faults that you understand about, this iscalled unconditional love. But there could also be faults thatyou do not tolerate. Some things are not negotiable like givinglittle importance to fidelity. Others might not matter to onehusband, for example, that his future wife likes a relaxed styleof housekeeping, as long as she is a business woman, but itcould matter a lot to another man. Counselor Grisel López teaches that the best way to find yourideal love is to tell the truth about how you are so you canfind someone who will be happy with you instead of turned off.If you do not reveal your faults you will not know if it is safeto relax your guard with your betrothed and find the joy ofbeing loved as you are. About the author:http://www.webspawner.com/users/howtopray The books "Boy meets Girl","Preparing for Marriage God’s Way" and "The Five Love Needs ofMen and Women" are available at the author’s Christian Bookstorelink http://www.family-moment.com/cgi-bin/view.cgi/wm246863/storeframe.htm
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