|
Below, you'll find extensive information on leading
divorce law articles and products to help you on your way
to success.
Domestic Violence Against Women And Children
By Joy Cagil, Mon Dec 26th
Many years ago, I made friends with a professor who taughtbusiness communications in a respectable Long Island University.Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that thisself-reliant, well-educated, and good-looking woman could be thevictim of domestic abuse. Yet, she was. As our friendship grew,she began to trust me and tell me about the awful experiences inher past. She had stayed in that abusive marriage for overfourteen years. When her son turned fourteen, for his sake asshe put it, she ended the marriage. Fortunately for her, it wasan opportune time because the husband had a girl friend who hadbecome pregnant by him. It is not always that easy. Most of the time the abusive partnerdoes not want to let go and women cannot leave even if they wantto, or if they do, they face poverty, stalking by their exes, ordeath. During the last couple of decades, thanks to more awarenessnationwide, domestic violence is being treated as a social andmedical issue. This has led to opening of shelters and educatingthe caregivers and the public nationwide. Most states nowrequire domestic violence courses for granting medical licenses.
Even with all the steps taken, experts agree that statistics ofdomestic violence are understated. In the United States a womanis battered every fifteen seconds. Seventeen percent of theadult pregnant women and twenty-one percent of pregnant teensare battered. The most important clue to abuse of a woman ischild abuse. Children raised in a violent home are seventy fourpercent more likely to commit a crime against another person andfifty percent are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol.Violence is the reason stated for in twenty two percentof the marriages and domestic violence is the leading cause ofinjury in women. Statistically, the domestic abuser is a male, although sometimesthese roles may be reversed. The abuser uses threat of violenceor violence itself in order to gain power, domination, andcontrol over his partner. The events are usually progressive.They may begin with verbal abuse, belittling, making the womanlose confidence in herself and her actions. Afterwards, theyescalate into shouting, pushing, and beating. Added to all thisare an extremely insane, and uncontrollable jealousy andattempts to limit the actions of the woman to reach her familyand friends or any kind of help. Thus the victim, progressivelyand on purpose, is caused to be isolated from the outside.Although some abusers may be helped by psychotherapy andbehavior modification therapies, most abusers will not stay intherapy long enough. Abuse and the tendency to control can be recognized even in adating relationship. These are "forgiven" because the victim"loves" the abuser. She also mistakenly may believe that she canchange the behavior after marriage and children. Unfortunatelythis is not the case. The controlling behavior continues allthrough the relationship and even after the divorce. After thedivorce many men continue this control by not paying courtordered child-care or alimony payments. Although abuse is expressed in many different ways, usuallythere seems to be a repetitive pattern or cycle of violenceescalating to a higher level at each incident. The patterncirculates like this: * After each incident the abuser apologizes. * Promises are made for rehabilitation attempts. * The abuser blames the victim. * After some thought he denies, minimizes or rationalizes hisactions. * He brings gifts and is very charming for a short while. * Soon both parties forget the incident. * No abuse takes place for a while. * Tension starts to rise. * Minor incidents as if making mountains out of molehills begin. * Communication breaks down. * Victim and the family start being very careful around theabuser. "Walking on egg shells syndrome" * Explosive episodes start and abuse -physical, sexual oremotional- occurs. Abusers may also show behaviors that represent their ownpersonal dynamics, pointing to behaviors they observed when theabusers were children, events within current or pastrelationships, or their evaluation of what they can lose at eachepisode. Abusers exist in all levels of society, in all age groups, andsocioeconomic levels. Abusers carry some or all of thesecharacteristics: * Violent temper * Limited tolerance for frustration * Jealousy, often to the extreme, erupting in violence * Ego problems - He is (men are) always right. * Career disappointments- even when they seem to be successfulto others * Accepting no responsibility for the abuse * Inability to accept blame for any failure * Suffering from depression, which they hide very aptly * Attempting to isolate spouses and children * Having a history of abuse in their childhood or within theirfamily * Increasing abusive behavior when the partner is pregnant * Making promises for change and for things getting better * Believing abusive behavior to be necessary to control thefamily and the children * Having their abusive skills "improve" with time * Demanding sexual practices not desired by the partner, leadingto marital rape * Exerting control over the partner by threatening suicide orhomicide An abused woman suffers emotional, psychological, physical andfinancial problems. Ninety per cent do not report it to theirphysicians and when asked about the scars they invent stories tocover up the abusive partner. Most of the time the covering upof the victim is due to her assessment of the risk in hersituation. She may have fear of retribution for herself and herchildren if the abuser learns that the violence is disclosed.She may also feel shame and humiliation of what is happening toher. She may think she deserves the abuse for any number ofreasons. She may feel other people, her physician, co-workersetc. may be too busy. She may be unfamiliar with the helpavailable in her community. Just like the abusers, victims too exist in all levels ofsociety, in all age groups, and socioeconomic levels and havecertain characteristics: * Fifty percent of them experienced violence in the family theywere raised. * They marry young to escape their family. * They have often been in an another previous abusiverelationship * They feel guilty to disturb others with their problems *
They feel responsible for the abuser's actions * They may be protecting someone else other than themselves,usually their children. * They will do anything to keep the abuser calm and not angry. * They feel powerless with no choices * Since abuser has taken control of her, the victim loses theability to make decisions and seek changes. * They show anxiety for making the routine decisions in everydayliving, fearing a negative reaction to any decision they havemade on their own. * They have feelings of helplessness and isolation especiallycreated and reinforced by the abuser. * They have very low self-esteem, again intentionally reinforcedby the abuser. * They suffer from medical problems, depression, substanceabuse, and psychosomatic illnesses. * They don't sleep well mostly due to the concerns of violenceand safety of themselves and their children. * They are always on guard. * They try very hard to make the home safe for their childrenbecause of that they take the blame for the abuser's actions. When anyone meets such a person and wants to help them there aremessages to be given when the time is appropriate. The victimneeds to know that she will be believed and listened to, thatshe does not deserve this treatment, that abuse is a commonproblem, that she is not alone because help is available. A Battered Woman's Bill of Rights She has: * The right not to be abused * The right to be angry over past beatings * The right to choose to change the situation * The right to freedom from the fear of abuse * The right to request and expect assistance from the police andsocial agencies * The right to share her feelings and not be isolated from others * The right to want a better role model for her children * The right to be treated like an adult * The right to leave the battering environment * The right to privacy * The right to express her own thoughts and feelings * The right to develop her individual talents and abilities * The right to legally prosecute the abuser * The right not to be perfect ---------- Child abuse and domestic violence often exist together. Thefollowing symptoms in children should alert us to examine theirsituation more closely. Prenatal: * Miscarriages due to beatings or mother's stress * Poor health due to lack of proper nutrition or mother's stress Infants: * Crying and irritability * Sleep disturbances * Digestive problems Toddlers and Preschoolers: * Being more aggressive or withdrawn than other children * Impaired cognitive abilities * Delays in motor or verbal abilities * General fearfulness or anxiety * Stomach aches and nightmares * Lack of bowel and bladder control over three years old * Lack of confidence to begin new tasks School Age: * Poor grades and/or special classes * Failing one or more grade levels * Poor social skills * Low self-esteem * Aggressiveness * Outbursts of anger * Bed-wetting or nightmares * Digestive problems, headaches Teenagers: * Poor grades, failure, quitting school * Low self-esteem * Refuses to bring friends home, stays away or runs away fromhome * Has no or few friends or withdraws from them * Feels responsible for taking care of home and mother * Violent outbursts and destroying property * Poor judgment and irresponsible decision making * Immaturity * Inability to communicate feelings * Bedwetting, nightmares * Severe acne, headaches * Joining in on beatings of mother * Females getting hit by boyfriends * Males hitting their girlfriends
SUGGESTIONS IF YOU ARE A VICTIM If you find yourself facing a violent incident: * Leave the physical presence of the batterer if possible. * Leave home; locate your escape items. * Get to a room with a lock on the door and a telephone. * Call 911 or call the local shelter for battered women. * Have your children call the police. * Scream so your neighbor may hear and call the police. * If you have to leave your children in the home contact thepolice immediately. * If you leave by car, lock your car doors immediately and donot unlock the doors until you arrive safely at your destination. * Check yourself and children for injuries and go to thehospital if necessary. * Try to protect yourself in any way you can, if you can'tleave. The items you may need for a comfortable, safe escape: * MONEY : Always have some hidden. If you can't keep it at homekeep it in an easily accessible place, night or day. Plan tohave enough for rent, phone calls, gas, food etc. * KEYS : have extra sets both for the car and the home. One foryou, the other to put some place else other than the home or togive to a friend for safekeeping. * EXTRA CLOTHING : Consider the fact that you might have toescape in any season. Choose the clothing accordingly. * IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS : Have a plan to gain quick access tothem. At least have copies made. 1. social security numbers - his, yours, and children's 2. birth certificates- yours and children's 3. pay stubs -his and yours 4. bank accounts 5. insurance policies 6. marriage license 7. driver's licenses -yours and a copy of his 8. any ownership papers of property 9. copies of all you monthly bills 10. valuable jewelry · IMPORTANT TELEPHONE NUMBERS: 1. local police department or 911 2. shelter and another alternative shelter 3. victim's assistance 4. probation officer 5. social services 6. your counselor 7. his counselor
Sources: My Personal Notes Salber and Taliaferro "The Physician's Guide to DomesticViolence" Volcano Press 1995 June Sheehan Berlinger, R.N. "Domestic Violence" Jacobson, Neil and Gottman "When Men Batter Women: Insights intoEnding Abusive Relationships" Simon and Schuster 1988 About the author:Joy Cagil is an author on Writing . Com(http://www.Writing.Com/) Her training is in foreign languagesand linguistics. In her background are psychology, mentalhealth, visual arts and music. Her portfolio can be found at
|
