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A New Attitude
By Karen Deuschle
Are you ready to play a little word association game with me? OK, here it is: What comes to your mind when you hear the word “hospitality”? Maybe you think about the friends you’ll invite Friday night for a glass of wine and a game of cards. Or perhaps you sense a bit of panic as you think about the pile of mail on your desk, or the dust on your TV, or the crumbs under the kitchen table, or the unpainted wall of your dining room. I would bet that most women, especially those of us with children, fall into the second group. I know that I did until I learned what true hospitality is.
For as long as I can remember I have loved getting together with friends, especially if they come to my home. In my twenties I would have elaborate dinner parties for eight, complete with china, silver, and linen, and of course gourmet dishes that I would cook myself. On top of those details, I would add the stress of presenting an immaculate apartment or house, as if that was a normal state of affairs for us! Ha! What a joke!
When two, and then three kids came along, I relaxed my standards a bit (by allowing the kids to use unbreakable dishes), but would still go a bit crazy stemming from the expectations I set for my home and myself. Around that time I belonged to a women’s small group that I loved, in part because it was made up of Christian women in all different stages of life. We learned so much from each other because of our differences, and were able to support each other because of our similarities.
One week the subject of hospitality came up, and I thought, “Great, I can share my recipe for homemade glass cleaner that makes those mirrors sparkle!” But our discussion that day is what changed my attitude. What we talked about was true hospitality and the fact that it has very little to do with the hostess, the location, or the food. That’s right. Hospitality is about how comfortable a guest feels in your home and not about the hostess at all! Wow! What a lightening bolt moment for me!
Here are some definitions for hospitality: cordial and generous reception
of or disposition toward guests; an instance of cordial and generous treatment of guests; kindness in welcoming guests or strangers. Do you notice the theme there? You’ve got it- every phrase mentions guests, and not one mentions host or hostess- very interesting!
So how do you measure up? Not your house, you as a hostess. Do you immediately apologize for dust when someone stops by? Do you step outside to greet them so they don’t see the socks on the floor? Or maybe you put the kettle on, push the mail to the side of the table and tell your friend how happy you are to see them. I commend you if that last sentence describes you; I am almost there too!
I have to be honest here and tell you that I did not change my ways overnight, but I have been relaxing my standards. Basic dusting and vacuuming are still necessities when invited guests are coming but my question to myself has become “is it good enough?” instead of “is it perfect?” My focus has turned more towards how comfortable and happy my friends are and less about whether the dust on the light fixtures is noticeable.
I am also happy to report that when a friend stops by unexpectedly, I no longer apologize for whatever mess happens to be present at the time. My first words are always of welcome and pleasure at seeing them no matter what my house looks like; after all they probably came to visit with me, not my house!
To figure out if the change in my attitude has affected my guests, I think the only way to know is by what they say. It used to be that when people were leaving they would thank me and make a comment about the wonderful food or beautiful decorating, but now the comments I hear most are about how inviting my home feels and how relaxed and comfortable our time together was. Now that is definite progress and I have to admit it is very gratifying as well!
So the next time you are having expected (or unexpected) guests to your home, remember that hospitality is not about you or your house at all- it’s about how welcome your friends feel and the memories you are creating together.
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