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New Survey On Infidelity
By Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, Sat Dec 10th
Nothing in life is more devastating than the infidelity of amate. When your partner breaks their vows and you discover theyhave lied to you, and before the altar of whatever god youworship, the earth moves beneath your feet. It can destroy yourfaith in your partner, in marriage, and sometimes even in love. How can you ever trust them again? Yet we know that less than 10% of marriages involving sexualinfidelity end in divorce, while the overall rate is 50%. How dowe make sense of this?
A STORY OF TERRIBLE INFIDELITY This is one of the worst stories I've heard, told by a minister.He had been a workaholic in the early years of his marriage. Hiswife accused him of not caring about her and the kids, and hecounter-accused her of not caring about him or his career, andthey argued continually. Then one day he realized there was nothing but silence. Theirmarriage had become an empty shell, except for smoulderingresentment. "I got the message," he said, "when I realized she wasn't evencomplaining about it any more. She had given up." Scared, he started to make amends. "I told her I would startcoming home at 6 for dinner every night," he said, "and I toldher I meant it." "She just shrugged," he said. "She no longer believed anything Isaid." ANOTHER INFIDELITY Marjorie and Josh met on the Internet and shared their divorcewar-stories. Marjorie's husband had just walked out one day. Shehadn't known he was unhappy. Josh had divorced because all theydid was fight. Josh and Marjorie fell in love and agreed thismarriage would be different. They would tell each other whenunhappy, ask for what they needed, and not fight. Neither wouldhurt the other, and they would meet each other's needs. Theydeserved no less. And then it happened. They had a fierce argument (Josh's worsenightmare) and he walked out (Marjorie's worse nightmare.) Thefight was about the toaster oven. MORE STORIES The following couples also broke their marriage vows, failing tolove the other: 1Mary broke her vows to Tom when she chose to take a vacationwith her sister instead of him. 2Robert broke his vows when hetold Ingrid one night to grow up, that he was too tired tolisten to her whining. 3Sonja broke her vows to Mario when sherefused to have sex for a month. 4Juan broke his vows to Nenawhen he told her he'd changed his mind and didn't want to havechildren. 5Shannon broke her vows to Tony when she lost hertemper one day and told him he was a "jacka**," an "infant," anda "tyrant" when he complained about the Struffoli. 6Sun Yinbroke his vows to Mai Li when he acted like her father,demeaning her and telling her she didn't have what it took topursue a career. 100% OF COUPLES ARE UNFAITHFUL Every couple starts out with the best of intentions, and greatexpectations. We plan to love one another and meet one another'sneeds, anticipate them even. We will deliver the love they'venever had, making up for past hurts, listening, being patientand kind, setting records in the bedroom, making our home abower of bliss, and never, never, never hurting one another. And yet we all fail. Sexual infidelity may be the least of it,devastating as it is, if only 10% divorce because of it. Did Iread that statistic wrong? Statistics in this area are tricky,yet I suspect this one is close. We know that very few cheatersmarry the object of the cheating, even if they divorce (or aredivorced). We know intuitively it's not what it appears to beabout;
sex never is. And for some couples, extra-marital sex istacitly condoned. HOW DO YOU HEAL? Therapists believe a couple can survive infidelity. Couples infact survive all sorts of infidelity. One day, for every couple, the honeymoon is over and it becomesclear to both parties that the promises during the courtship arenot going to be met. Bill will not be delivering the moon, asadvertised, and Amanda has committed the unforgiveable sin ofputting on 15 lbs. The romance of the century has turned into anegotiated cease fire. THE ROAD BACK The minister in the story kept his word. He set about winninghis wife's faith back. "It took a couple of years," he said,"before she believed I really would come home every night at 6p.m." For this couple the issue-of-the-moment was eventuallyaddressed. I suspect they went on to others issues. They alsotook a look at their idealized yearnings, and the nature ofhuman frailties. Tom got over that Mary temporarily chose her sister over him. Sonja and Mario had a talk, and he agreed to try somethingbesides"We're gonna do it tonight" over the dinner table. Robert apologized to Ingrid from the bottom of his heart andgave her a gift card saying "3 hours of my undivided attention,your call when." Mai Li won her battle to get a job outside the home, and Sun Yinadmits he's secretly proud of her. Tony and Shannon decided to get coaching because they both hadbad tempers and needed to work on their EQ. Meanwhile theyreassure one another - Tony, that he won't walk out again, andShannon that she'll hold her tongue. "I half believe him now,"says Shannon, a year later. Juan and Nena continued in agony, as theirs is an issue forwhich there can be no compromise, and the end of that storyisn't written yet. Neither has been able to put "the other" infront of their need to have, or have not, children. Not allstories have a happy ending, and not all marriages can be saved. TRUST We all have our sensitive areas and when they're trodden upon,as only someone intimate with us can, we no longer feel safe,which is the definition of love. How do we win the other back,allowing them to feel safe again? Marjorie and Tony weretraumatized by the encounter, having brought about exactly whateach feared the most. Sometimes I think we do this in order forthere to be healing. In the best-case scenario, it gets workedthrough. Oh! I left out a story about sexual infidelity. Here's a trueone, details changed. David's wife got cancer. David had ademanding job and they had two toddlers and a lot of debts.David hooked up with his high-school sweetheart, Sondra, newlydivorced. They had sex once. The rest of the time he went overthere, they just held each other in bed, and sometimes Davidcried. How did it end? David's wife, for whom he had been a rock, neverfound out, and is now 5 years in remission. Sondra hasremarried. She and David talk occasionally. Things are not always as they seem. LEARNING TO LOVE It was Paul Pearsall who advised "Don't get married becauseyou're in love, get married when you're ready to learn to love." There will be ample opportunity! Our intimate relationships arewhere we practice. About the author:©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc ,mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses andebooks for your personal and professional success. EQ coachcertification program. Think your partner is cheating? Find out.TheCloser, www.thecloser.cc , offers investigative services,resources, books, and coaching for delicate situations.
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