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Indifference And Decompensation In Pathological Narcissism
By Sam Vaknin, Fri Dec 9th
The narcissist lacks empathy. Consequently, he is not reallyinterested in the lives, emotions, needs, preferences, and hopesof people around him. Even his nearest and dearest are, to him,mere instruments of gratification. They require his undividedattention only when they "malfunction" - when they becomedisobedient, independent, or critical. He loses all interest inthem if they cannot be "fixed" (for instance, when they areterminally ill). People find the narcissist "cold", "inhuman","heartless", "clueless", "robotic or machine-like". Early on in life, the narcissist learns to disguise hissocially-unacceptable indifference as benevolence, equanimity,cool-headedness, composure, or superiority. "It is not that Idon't care about others" - he shrugs off his critics - "I amsimply more level-headed, more resilient, more composed underpressure ... They mistake my equanimity for apathy." The narcissist tries to convince people that he iscompassionate. His profound lack of interest in his spouse'slife, vocation, interests, hobbies, and whereabouts he cloaks asbenevolent altruism. "I give her all the freedom she can wishfor!" - he protests - "I don't spy on her, follow her, or nagher with endless questions. I don't bother her. I let her leadher life the way she sees fit and don't interfere in heraffairs!". He makes a virtue out of his emotional truancy.
All very commendable but when taken to extremes such benignneglect turns malignant and signifies the voidance of true loveand attachment. The narcissist's emotional (and, often,physical) absence from all his relationships is a form ofaggression and a defense against his own thoroughly repressedfeelings. In rare moments of self-awareness, the narcissist realizes thatwithout his input - even in the form of feigned emotions -people will abandon him. He then swings from cruel aloofness tomaudlin and grandiose gestures intended to demonstrate the"larger than life" nature of his sentiments. This bizarrependulum only proves the narcissist's inadequacy at maintainingadult relationships. It convinces no one and repels many. The narcissist's guarded detachment is a sad reaction to hisunfortunate formative
years. Pathological narcissism is thoughtto be the result of a prolonged period of severe abuse byprimary caregivers, peers, or authority figures. In this sense,pathological narcissism is, therefore, a reaction to trauma.Narcissism is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that gotossified and fixated and mutated into a personality disorder. All narcissists are traumatized and all of them suffer from avariety of post-traumatic symptoms: abandonment anxiety,reckless behaviors, anxiety and mood disorders, somatoformdisorders, and so on. But the presenting signs of narcissismrarely indicate post-trauma. This is because pathologicalnarcissism is an efficient coping (defense) mechanism. Thenarcissist presents to the world a facade of invincibility,equanimity, superiority, skilfulness, cool-headedness,invulnerability, and, in short: indifference. This front is penetrated only in times of great crises thatthreaten the narcissist's ability to obtain narcissistic supply.The narcissist then "falls apart" in a process of disintegrationknown as decompensation. The dynamic forces which render himparalyzed and fake - his vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and fears- are starkly exposed as his defenses crumble and becomedysfunctional. The narcissist's extreme dependence on his socialmilieu for the regulation of his sense of self-worth arepainfully and pitifully evident as he is reduced to begging andcajoling. At such times, the narcissist acts out self-destructively andanti-socially. His mask of superior equanimity is pierced bydisplays of impotent rage, self-loathing, self-pity, and crassattempts at manipulation of his friends, family, and colleagues.His ostensible benevolence and caring evaporate. He feels cagedand threatened and he reacts as any animal would do - bystriking back at his perceived tormentors, at his hitherto"nearest" and "dearest".
About the author:Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author ofMalignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain -How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for CentralEurope Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, andas a United Press International (UPI) Senior BusinessCorrespondent. He is the the editor of mental health and CentralEast Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
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